"I Hate Positivity and Optimism" —So What’s the Alternative?

Hello deer, this is Seri 💕

I used to think something was wrong with me for not believing in the usual comfort phrases:

“Everything happens for a reason.”

“Just stay positive.”

“Good vibes only.”

But no matter how hard I tried, they never felt real.

Because life isn’t always fine. People aren’t always kind.

And sometimes, things don’t get better, at least not right away.

I don’t want illusions. I want truth.

Not to drown in negativity, but to survive with clarity.

The alternative to toxic positivity and blind optimism isn’t pessimism.

It’s something deeper, sharper, and more stable: realism.

In this post, I want to share what realism means to me,

how it helped me hold on when shallow hope couldn’t,

and how we can care for each other in ways that are both soft and solid.

Why I Choose Realism Over Toxic Positivity 🌿

There is something quietly powerful about choosing realism.

Not pessimism, which sinks into hopelessness.

Not relentless optimism, which often denies reality.

But realism : steady middle path.

Realism means seeing the world as it truly is, not through rose-colored lenses, and not through darkened ones either. It’s about holding space for both beauty and difficulty. It's the choice to look life in the eye, acknowledge its harshness, and still say, "Okay. What can I do next?”

🌿 What Does It Mean to Be a Realist?

To be a realist means to see life as it truly is : not better than it is, not worse, just… honestly.

You don’t close your eyes to the beauty that exists, but you also don’t pretend the pain isn’t there. A realist looks at the full picture: the light and the shadows.

🍂 Realism is the middle path.

Imagine two extremes:

On one side is pessimism, where someone always expects the worst, feels hopeless, or believes things will never improve.

On the other side is toxic optimism, where someone forces themselves to be cheerful all the time, ignores problems, and avoids real emotions by pretending everything is fine.

Somewhere in between is realism.

It says: “Things are not perfect. But I can work with what is real.”

🗝️ Key characteristics of realism:

🌿 Acceptance:

I’ve learned to accept that the world isn’t always gentle. People leave. Plans fail. Emotions overwhelm. I can’t fix all of it. But I can live with it, and move with it.

Acceptance doesn’t mean giving up, it means starting from where I truly am.

🌿 Balanced Perspective:

Realism invites me to look at all sides of a situation. Not just what I wish could happen, and not only what I fear will happen. Just what is, in this moment.

I allow myself to feel joy and grief. Hope and anger. Peace and uncertainty.

🌿 Pragmatism:

I’m quite pragmatic in daily life.

For example:

– When I'm overwhelmed with studies or work, I break tasks into tiny steps rather than trying to force motivation.

– If I feel emotionally flooded, I don’t tell myself “just be positive.” I pause. I breathe. I might go for a short walk, journal, or simply do something small and kind.

– I don’t expect miracles, but I do believe in effort. Steady effort.

🌿 Hopeful, but not naive:

I still have hope. Not the loud, glittery kind. But a quiet, stubborn kind that whispers, “You’ve survived before. You can try again.”

I don’t deny that things can go wrong. But I stay open to the chance that things might go right, too.

🌸 What Being a Realist Looks Like

A realist accepts reality. They don’t lie to themselves about how things are.

They also don’t give up. Even when things are difficult, a realist believes in trying, in small efforts, in growth.

They balance emotion and reason: They might feel hurt, angry, or discouraged, but they don’t let those feelings control their whole life.

🌼 Why Not Toxic Positivity?

Toxic positivity is the pressure to always appear happy or positive, even when things are genuinely difficult or painful.

It often sounds like:

“Just be grateful, others have it worse.”

“Stay positive, everything happens for a reason.”

“Don’t be sad, focus on the good.”

At first, these phrases may seem kind or well-meaning. But in reality, they often invalidate your real emotions and discourage honesty.

🧱 Why it's a problem:

1. It denies real pain.

When someone is struggling, telling them to “just think positive” ignores what they’re actually feeling. It makes people feel guilty for not being cheerful enough even when they’re in pain.

2. It silences people.

People may stop talking about their problems because they fear being seen as negative or dramatic. This leads to isolation and shame.

3. It avoids real solutions.) Very important one)

If you're always told to “look on the bright side,” you may never address the actual issue. Real problems require understanding and action, not denial.

4. It can feel emotionally dishonest.

Life is not always good. Pretending it is can create a gap between what you feel and what you’re “supposed” to feel, which is exhausting.

Toxic positivity tries to cover pain with empty smiles.

Realism looks at pain, understands it, and then chooses to move forward not with forced cheerfulness, but thoughtful action.

🌿 “Not everything will be fine… but it can be fine.”

This idea captures the core of pragmatic realism neither blind optimism nor hopelessness, but a grounded, open stance toward the future.

✧ What does it mean?

It means:

We can’t guarantee everything will turn out well.

Life has pain, loss, and uncertainty.

Some things don’t get "fixed" or return to how they were.

But—

That doesn't mean we are powerless.

It means we can still work toward stability, healing, or small improvements.

We can find a new kind of fine, one we build ourselves.

✧ Realism accepts uncertainty, but also possibility.

A toxic positive mindset says:

⮕ “Everything happens for a reason, you’ll see, it’ll all be great!”

A pessimist says:

⮕ “Things are ruined. Nothing gets better. Why bother?”

But a realist says:

⮕ “I don’t know what will happen. It might be hard.

But there are things I can try. It’s possible that something good will come maybe not perfect, but enough.”

🌿 Why is realism better than optimism?

Not because optimism is bad but because realism protects us where optimism can sometimes leave us unprepared or disappointed.

1. Realism sees the whole picture.

Optimism often focuses only on the positive outcome “things will work out,” “you’ll succeed,” “it’ll get better.”

But realism says:

⮕ “It might work out, or it might not. Let’s prepare for both.”

🌱 Why this is better:

Because life isn’t always kind, and if we expect it to be, we’re more likely to feel crushed when reality hits.

Realism helps us face life as it is, not as we wish it would be.

2. Realism prevents avoidance.

Optimism can sometimes lead people to ignore warning signs or delay action because they “believe it’ll all be okay.”

Realism says:

⮕ “Hope is fine but let’s still act, adjust, and plan.”

It’s not about waiting for a miracle. It’s about doing what we can, even when we’re unsure.

🌱 Why this is better:

Because you don’t wait to be “rescued” by hope, you participate in shaping your reality.

3. Realism makes space for discomfort.

Optimism often skips over pain with phrases like “Don’t worry!” or “Just smile!”

But realism says:

⮕ “You’re allowed to feel this. It’s hard. And it’s okay.”

🌱 Why this is better:

Because emotional honesty helps us process things deeply, not suppress them. That’s what leads to real healing, not forced positivity.

4. Realism respects complexity.

Optimism tends to flatten emotions into “good vibes only.”

Realism understands that life is both beautiful and painful, sometimes even at the same time.

🌱 Why this is better:

Because it honors your full humanity.

You don’t have to choose between hope or sadness, you can hold both.

5. Realism doesn’t rely on constant emotional energy.

Optimism often demands emotional effort: smiling, believing, cheering up.

But sometimes, you don’t have that energy. And that’s okay.

Realism says:

⮕ “You don’t have to be positive. You just have to be present, and keep going in your own way.”

🌱 Why this is better:

Because it’s sustainable. It lets you move forward even when you’re tired, numb, or uncertain.

✧ In short:

Optimism is comforting but it can be shallow.

Realism is grounding and it keeps us steady, especially when life is not kind.

🌿 Helping Someone Through Life — The Realist & Pragmatic Way

When someone you care about is struggling, it’s tempting to say things like :

“Everything will be okay,”

“Just think positive,”

“It could be worse…”

But those words, however well-meant, often silence pain instead of meeting it.

In realism, we don’t sugarcoat.

We don’t force hope.

We support with honesty, care, and action.

1. Hold space for their pain without shrinking from it.

Let them talk. Let them cry. Let them say things that are dark or messy.

You don’t have to fix it.

You just have to stay present.

🌱 Say instead:

“That sounds really hard. I’m here.”

“You don’t have to explain it all, I’ll just sit with you.”

Being emotionally present is not small. It’s everything.

2. Respect their reality. Don’t replace it with empty hope.

If someone says,

“I feel like nothing matters,”

avoid answering with:

“Don’t say that! You just need to think positively!”

Instead, acknowledge it with care:

> “That feeling is heavy. And I know you’ve been carrying a lot. I won’t pretend it’s easy.”

🌿 Realism honors emotions, it doesn’t argue with them.

3. Ask what they actually need, not what you assume.

People cope differently. One might want distraction. Another, silence. Another, direct help.

The best way to know is to ask gently.

🌱 Try:

“Would it help to talk more, or would you rather sit quietly?”

“Is there anything practical I can do today? Even something small?”

This builds trust because it’s not performative. It’s sincere.

4. Offer practical help, not just kind words.

Kindness matters, but it’s not enough on its own.

When someone is struggling, they often need real actions or clear advice, not vague encouragement.

🌿 You can offer:

🌙Help researching options (doctors, legal help, school applications, etc.)

🌙Helping them break down big problems into manageable steps

🌙Giving honest feedback if they ask for it

🌙Suggesting concrete next actions, not “think positive,” but “maybe try calling this place?”

🌙Reminding them of their own past strategies that worked

🌱 This is how realism supports healing: through presence and participation.

You're not saving them but you’re helping them move, one step at a time, with clarity.

🌼 In Summary

Realistic, pragmatic support means:

⮕Listening without trying to fix.

⮕Validating without minimizing.

⮕Acting without overwhelming.

⮕Staying, even when things don’t “get better” right away.

You’re not promising a happy ending.

You’re simply saying:

“I see you. I won’t look away. And you don’t have to face this alone.”

That kind of help?

It lasts. It heals.

Real Pragmatic Advice — The Kind That Actually Helps

1. Analyze the problem clearly and break it down.

Help the person identify the exact obstacles instead of vague feelings.

Example: “What is the biggest barrier right now? Is it money, health, or relationships? Let’s list them and pick one to tackle first.”

2. Create a step-by-step plan with deadlines.

Realism means setting clear, measurable goals—not vague hopes.

Example: “If you need to find a job, today we’ll update your CV. Tomorrow, you’ll apply to three places. By next week, you’ll follow up on at least one.”

3. Prioritize based on impact and feasibility.

Not all tasks are equal. Focus on what will improve the situation the most with the least effort.

Example: “Fixing your sleep is good, but applying for jobs or sorting finances might have bigger effects. What can you do now that helps the most?”

4. Use direct, no-nonsense communication.

Encourage them to say clearly what they need and what they can’t handle.

Example: “Tell your boss or family: ‘I can’t do extra hours this week’ or ‘I need support with childcare.’ It’s okay to set hard boundaries.”

5. Leverage resources efficiently.

Help identify real services, community help, government aid, or professional advice that fits their situation.

Example: “Here’s a local agency that helps with rent support. You don’t have to struggle alone.”

6. Avoid emotional decisions, focus on facts.

When feelings overwhelm, pull back to facts and options.

Example: “You feel hopeless, but your bank account says you have three months to figure this out. Let’s plan with that timeframe.”

7. Regular check-ins with accountability.

Help them keep momentum with scheduled reviews or follow-ups.

Example: “Let’s talk every Friday about what steps you took and what’s next.”

Why this kind of advice works:

It’s grounded in action, clarity, and realism, not “think positive” or “just breathe.”

It respects the mess but demands facing it with practical moves.

It’s not about pretending life is easy but helping someone fight smart.

🪨 Grounded Words with Real Impact

1. "If you give up now, you’ll never know if this pain was the turning point — not the end."

→ Not promising magic, but reminding that the story isn’t finished yet.

2. "You don’t need to feel better to begin. You need to begin to have a chance to feel better."

→ It confronts passivity, gently.

3. "Sometimes life won’t be beautiful but it can be bearable, and that matters more than it seems."

→ About survival, not perfection.

4. "You don't have to love life right now. You just have to keep the door open to maybe one day not hating it."

→ For when even hope feels too big.

5. "Numbness isn’t peace. It’s a signal that something needs changing, not erasing."

→ Honest about disconnection without glorifying it.

6. "You don’t have to believe in the light, you just need to not close your eyes to it completely."

→ Realistic about hopelessness, without drowning in it.

7. "You’ve already survived things that felt impossible. You don’t need blind hope, just memory and stubbornness."

→ Not fantasy. Just reminding of actual strength.

8. "The world doesn’t owe you happiness but you don’t owe it your destruction either."

→ A cold truth, but empowering.

9. "Some days will feel meaningless. That doesn’t mean your life is."

→ Separates moment from identity.

10. "You don't have to be okay. But if you're still here, you deserve more than just pain."

→ Doesn’t deny struggle but reminds it's not all you’re made for.

🪨 Conclusion

We don’t need to lie to ourselves to keep going.

We don’t need empty smiles or hollow words.

We need honesty. We need stability. We need clarity.

Realism doesn’t promise that everything will work out.

It doesn’t deny that life can hurt.

But it gives us something firmer than fantasy,

a place to stand when everything else feels uncertain.

It says:

“This is hard. But maybe there’s still a way forward.”

And sometimes, that’s more powerful than any hope built on denial.

So no, I don’t believe in positivity.

But I do believe in trying again.

Not because everything will be fine…

but because there’s a chance it can be.

And that chance, however small, is enough to make a difference.

---

Emotions and help in Japan 🇯🇵

In Japan, many people tend to handle emotional struggles more privately, and there’s a strong cultural value placed on gaman (我慢) enduring hardship with patience and dignity, without openly complaining. Showing resilience and not burdening others is often seen as a form of strength.

1. Emotions are often hidden

Expressing pain or distress openly can be seen as self-centered or disruptive to group harmony (wa).

People may mask their struggles with polite smiles or silence especially in public or at work.

2. Help is often indirect

In Japan, help is most often indirect subtle, quiet, and sometimes even unspoken. It’s rooted in cultural values like:

🫖 Avoiding burden

People try not to intrude on others or “cause meiwaku (迷惑)” which means causing trouble or being a burden. So rather than asking, “Do you need help?” directly, someone might:

♡Leave your favorite drink at your door.

♡Sit quietly beside you without forcing a conversation.

♡Offer a small task like “Let’s go for a walk” instead of asking how you're feeling.

🌀 Reading the atmosphere (空気を読む / kuuki wo yomu)

Rather than direct communication, people often help by sensing what’s needed without it being said.

If someone is struggling:

♡A friend might gently change the topic or give space.

♡A coworker may quietly take over a task without mentioning it.

♡This can be comforting, like being cared for without pressure but also lonely, especially if you need more direct support.

🌱 For example:

If you cried in front of a friend in Japan, they might:

♡Hand you tissues without asking anything.

♡Offer to buy you a warm drink.

♡Walk beside you in silence until you’re ready to speak.

They probably won’t say, “I’m here for you, always” but their presence, the gesture, is how they say it.

Gender differences 👦🏻👩🏻

There is a noticeable difference in how emotions are expressed by gender in Japan especially within traditional or mainstream expectations.

🌸 Women in Japan

Traditionally, women are allowed more emotional expression especially in private or close relationships. This includes:

⮕Crying or showing vulnerability in certain situations (without being judged too harshly).

⮕Being open about worry or sadness with close friends or family.

⮕Offering empathy and emotional support to others is also expected of women, reinforcing their emotional openness in caregiving roles.

However, even this has limits. Women are still expected to not be “too much”, not overly emotional in public, not angry, not confrontational. Emotional restraint still applies, just differently.

🧍‍♂️ Men in Japan

Men are often under more pressure to:

⮕Stay stoic, composed, and “strong.”

⮕Not show fear, despair, or emotional vulnerability.

⮕Express feelings only in rare or socially sanctioned ways (like drinking sessions or deep late-night talks).

This can result in emotional suppression or silence, even in times of deep suffering. Some men turn to overwork, drinking, or isolation instead of talking openly.

I don’t want to hide everything but I also don’t want to be exposed in unsafe places.

For a long time, I kept everything inside because I didn’t feel I had another option. But silence doesn’t heal, it just helps you survive. I’ve realized I don’t want to hide everything anymore. But at the same time, I don’t want to be exposed in places or with people who aren’t safe. I need to be careful about who I open up to, and that’s not always easy. Trust isn’t something I give quickly. So I speak when I can, and only to those who have earned that space.