I Dress Soft But I Bite (Why softness is not obedience) 🌸

Hello deer, welcome back to my blog 🦌

They see the lace, the gentle voice, the soft smile and they think they know me.

But softness is not obedience.

It’s not silence. And it’s not surrender.

I used to shrink myself to fit what others expected.

But being small didn’t protect me, it only made others step over me.

So I stopped shrinking.

Now I wear softness like silk and steel.

I still speak kindly, but I don’t stay quiet.

I protect my gentleness, I don’t offer it to those who don’t deserve it.

This isn’t rebellion. It’s self-respect.

And I won’t apologize for blooming differently.

Conformity in Japan 🇯🇵 🌸

Japan is a collectivist society meaning that group harmony is valued more than individual expression.

From a young age, people are taught not to "stand out" too much (known as 「出る杭は打たれる」/ deru kui wa utareru — "the nail that sticks out gets hammered down").

Social expectations can feel rigid, especially in school and work settings.

This doesn’t mean people aren’t unique, they are! But there’s often a subtle (or not-so-subtle) pressure to:

🌙Avoid confrontation

🌙Keep opinions to yourself, especially if they’re different

🌙Act and dress according to your "role" (especially in school or corporate life)

Being quiet, modest, and “appropriate” is often seen as a virtue. This can make life difficult for those who are more emotional, outspoken, artistic, queer, neurodivergent, or mentally struggling because those traits don’t always “fit in.”

Women in Japan: Soft Expectations, Hard Realities 🇯🇵👩🏻‍🤝‍👩🏼

The traditional image of women in Japan is still shaped by ideas like:

Yamato Nadeshiko (大和撫子) — the ideal Japanese woman: gentle, obedient, self-sacrificing, and graceful.

Ryosai Kenbo (良妻賢母) — “good wife, wise mother,” an old Meiji-era ideal still echoing in modern expectations.

Although Japan is a modern, developed country, women often still face:

🌙Glass ceilings at work

🌙Pressure to marry young and have children

🌙Subtle forms of misogyny in media, education, and politics

🌙Sexual harassment (often unspoken, or dismissed)

🌸 Becoming Myself, Against the Current 🌸

I come from a country — Japan — where conformity is deeply woven into the social fabric.

Where silence is often safer than honesty, and fitting in is valued more than standing out.

And for a long time, I believed I was too soft, too different, too dreamy for the world I was born into.

But I didn’t disappear into the mold.

Instead, I asked questions. I listened to my heart. I studied philosophy, social sciences : the ways humans build their worlds, their beliefs, and their illusions.

I traveled, I wandered. And the world reshaped me, not into something harder, but into someone more aware.

I began to value subjectivity over blind obedience.

I stopped chasing the “shoulds” and started listening to what truly matters to me.

And slowly, I found my voice.

It wasn’t easy. I had to learn how to speak louder, to set boundaries, to be firmer, not because I lost my softness, but because I needed to protect it.

This world isn’t kind to gentle souls. And I’ve had my share of pain: being taken for granted, misunderstood, or silenced.

So I became stronger.

Not cruel — just clearer.

Not bitter — just braver.

I’m not a bad person, actually, I’m quite the opposite. I’m sensitive, empathic, and deeply thoughtful.

But I’m not as open-minded as I used to be.

Being too open allowed the wrong people into my space. It made me tolerate harmful behaviors, hear things that disturbed me, and see things that drained me.

Since I began to unfollow and distance myself from people whose values clash too strongly with mine, I’ve finally felt free. Free to be myself, fully and peacefully.

Let me be clear: having different opinions isn’t a problem in itself. I’m not looking for clones or yes-people.

But I am looking for people who share a similar core vision of life.

If someone’s beliefs go against basic human rights, support injustice, or are deeply patriarchal then I don’t want them close to me. I know the cost of letting such energies in, and I won’t pay it anymore.

There’s also a common misconception about soft people like me.

Because I dress sweet, because I carry softness, people assume I must be naïve, passive, or weak.

But the truth is : I have a strong personality, especially when it comes to injustice.

I’m pragmatic. I see through things. I’m capable of defending myself when I need to.

I used to be too kind. I endured people being cold or even cruel to me.

But that’s not the case anymore.

I speak up now even if it's inconvenient.

Even if certain cultures think it's not “proper” for a woman.

Even if my voice shakes.

Yes, I do not align with Abrahamic religions....

I fundamentally disagree with many of their principles especially those that harm, suppress, or control women.

That doesn’t mean I hate individuals. But if someone holds strong patriarchal or rigid religious views and tries to impose them on me, I can’t welcome them into my space.

I won’t shrink myself to accommodate harmful ideologies.

Some topics, like gender and politics, are sensitive. They cause friction and that’s okay.

But I choose to be around people who make me feel safe, seen, and free to exist as I am.

I also naturally connect more deeply with women.

I’m a girls’ girl. I grew up in a matrifocal home. I studied in a women-only university.

My heart feels safer in sisterhood. It’s not something I perform, it’s who I am.

I will never bond with men the way I bond with women but if men want to be around me :

No red-pill mindset. No patriarchy. No rigid dogma.

Some people instantly label me as a feminist and while I have nothing against feminism, and I support some of its goals, my views come from somewhere else.

I studied social sciences : I learned how societies are built, how power is structured, how gender roles were invented and maintained across time and culture.

And from what I’ve seen and felt, I simply don’t believe that patriarchy is natural, healthy, or fair.

It’s not just about “women’s rights.”

It’s about how a system puts one group in power, and expects the others to be quiet, obedient, or smaller and how that hurts everyone, not just women.

So no, I don’t reject patriarchy because I read some Instagram posts or joined a trend. I reject it because I’ve observed it, studied it, and seen how much damage it causes both in personal lives and entire societies.

And most of all, I reject it because it does not resonate with who I am.

I didn’t need a label to reach that conclusion.

I just needed to look closely and feel deeply.

I’m not for everyone and that’s okay.

What matters is that I am true to myself.

I create space around me where empathy, honesty, softness, and strength are welcome, not ridiculed or crushed.

And if I bloom a little differently like a flower reaching sideways, toward her own sun.

It’s not a betrayal of where I come from.

It’s an expansion of it.

I am rooted in my past but growing into my future.

Wild, brave, and finally… myself. 🌷