I Can’t Feel It Until I Know You (What It Means to Be Demiromantic) 🚫💕

Hello deer 🦌

This is Seri 🙋🏻‍♀️

I'm a Japanese student currently living in Germany (2025), and you're reading Seri’s World, my personal blog where I share thoughts about identity, femininity, society, and the way we move through the world. As someone who studies social sciences and observes human behavior with a lot of curiosity, I like to explore both personal experiences and broader topics that shape how we live and relate to one another.

Today's topic? Demiromanticism 💕

Some of us don’t fall in love the way others do.

We don’t catch feelings on the first date, or fall for someone just because they’re beautiful or sweet. For people like me, romantic feelings don’t appear unless there’s already a deep emotional connection. A strong friendship is often where it begins. I need to feel close to the person in a real and personal way before anything romantic can even start to grow.

In this post, I want to explain what demiromanticism really means, how it feels, how it’s different from other romantic experiences, and why it’s a valid part of the spectrum of human love. Whether you’re demi yourself, questioning, or just curious, I hope this helps you feel seen or helps you better understand someone you care about.

🌸 What Is Demiromanticism?

Demiromanticism is a romantic orientation. It describes people who only experience romantic attraction after forming a deep emotional connection with someone.

That means they don’t develop crushes easily—or at all—on people they don’t know well. The feeling of “being in love” or wanting a romantic relationship doesn’t appear just because someone is beautiful, charming, or interesting. For demiromantic people, love grows slowly, from a place of emotional safety and mutual understanding.

Before that emotional closeness is there, there’s usually no romantic interest at all even if the person seems “perfect on paper.” And once the connection does form, it can feel very deep, sincere, and meaningful.

It’s important to note: being demiromantic is not the same as being shy, cautious, or picky. It’s not about choosing to “wait”, it’s simply how your heart works. It’s the way your romantic feelings naturally develop after closeness, not before.

🌱 Since When Has It Existed? Is It Real?

Demiromanticism is not a trend.

It’s not “just made up” or “too specific.” It’s a word that describes something many people have always felt but may never have had the language to explain.

The term “demiromantic” started being used more openly in the early 2010s, especially within LGBTQIA+ and asexual communities. But the experience itself isn’t new, it’s just finally been named. Naming something doesn’t create it; it simply gives it the space to be understood and respected.

In many cultures, love has long been seen as something that grows slowly. Yet modern media and dating culture often glamorize instant love and fast-paced romance making people who don’t feel that way wonder if they’re "weird" or “emotionally unavailable.”

Demiromantic people challenge that norm, not by choice, but by being true to how they’re built. Their love grows after connection, not before.

🌿 How It Feels in Daily Life

Being demiromantic in today’s world can feel like living on a quieter frequency. You may watch others fall in love quickly, catch “crushes” often, or start romantic relationships soon after meeting someone, while you’re still figuring out how you feel.

Some common feelings include:

💞 Wanting friendship first because that’s where connection begins for you. A strong friendship is often a prerequisite or an integral part of the development of romantic feelings.

💕May not experience the sudden, intense romantic feelings often associated with crushes.

🫰🏻Relationships tend to progress slowly as the emotional bond is the foundation for romantic feelings.

👁️ Don't usually experience romantic attraction based on initial impressions or physical appearance.

💛 You might also experience one-sided emotional bonds, where you feel something forming but the other person doesn’t.

💗 Do Demiromantic People Have Crushes?

Most people think of a crush as that fluttery feeling you get when you’re drawn to someone—often because of their looks, charm, or something mysterious—even if you don’t really know them well. But for demiromantic people, that kind of instant spark doesn’t usually happen.

Demiromantic people typically don’t develop romantic feelings for someone they aren’t emotionally close to first. So having a crush on a stranger, celebrity, or classmate you’ve barely spoken to? That’s unlikely for someone who’s demiromantic.

However, demiromantic people can absolutely develop romantic feelings but it usually happens after a strong friendship or emotional bond forms. That’s when something like a “crush” might start to grow. So it’s not that they can’t fall for someone, it’s just that it happens later, and through connection, not just surface-level attraction.

💗 How Can Demiromantic People Experience One-Sided Love?

It might seem surprising, because demiromantic people only develop romantic feelings after a close emotional bond so we usually think of that bond as being mutual. But the truth is: emotional bonds don’t have to be returned for someone to feel real and deep connection.

1. The demiromantic person forms a deep emotional attachment.

Even if the other person doesn’t feel the same way or doesn't even know how deep the connection feels for the demiromantic person, that internal emotional closeness can still be strong enough to awaken romantic feelings.

You might spend time with someone, open up to them, share important experiences, feel seen and understood even if they don’t feel the same or respond at the same level. If that internal sense of emotional closeness grows strong enough, it can lead to romantic feelings, even if the bond isn’t mutual.

2. The connection is felt deeply inside, not necessarily outside.

Demiromantic people often form deep emotional worlds with others. You may build an emotional image of the person in your mind, how they made you feel, what you shared, or what you imagined might grow. That connection feels real, even if it's not reciprocated. So the love is real for you, even if it’s not returned.

3. We can mistake strong emotional compatibility for mutual feelings.

Sometimes, the other person is kind, emotionally open, or deeply attentive, which might give the feeling of closeness even if they don't mean it in a romantic way. That can be enough for romantic feelings to awaken on one side.

🌼 Do Demiromantic People Feel Physical Attraction Without an Emotional Bond?

Demiromanticism is specifically about romantic attraction, not physical or sexual attraction. So a demiromantic person might notice someone’s appearance, feel drawn to someone’s vibe, or even feel physical curiosity or desire but that doesn’t mean they feel romantic feelings for that person.

So:

👁️ You can think someone is attractive without wanting to date them.

💕 You can enjoy someone’s presence or energy without it turning into romantic love.

🪡 You might even feel some physical/sexual attraction (especially if you're not asexual), but without emotional closeness, it doesn’t grow into romantic feelings.

So even if a demiromantic person says “he’s cute” or “she’s hot,” that doesn’t mean they want a relationship. They might just be noticing someone physically, like anyone else does but their heart doesn’t move until there’s connection.

🤍 How It Differs from Other Romantic Orientations

To better understand demiromanticism, it helps to place it in context with other romantic orientations:

Romantic Orientation | What It Means

💕 Alloromantic :

Regularly experiences romantic attractioneven without deep emotional bonds. May fall in love quickly or often.

💕🚫 Aromantic :

Rarely or never experiences romantic attraction. May enjoy friendships, but not romantic love.

💕🫡 Demiromantic :

Only experiences romantic attraction after forming a deep emotional bond. No “crushes” on strangers or people they don’t know well.

Demiromantic people are often misunderstood as aloof, cautious, or simply late bloomers, but that’s not accurate. Their experience of love is just different. It’s not about refusing romance, it’s about needing connection first.

🌷 The Gifts of Being Demiromantic

Although it can feel hard at times, being demiromantic has beautiful strengths:

🌱 Deep and lasting relationships – Because romantic feelings only develop after emotional closeness, the relationships are often built on strong foundations.

🧡 Sincerity over sparks – You’re less likely to chase fleeting romance or confuse attraction with connection.

🌸 Less pressure to rush – You take your time and listen to your heart, not the outside noise.

💭 Emotional awareness – You often understand your feelings deeply because you’ve had to reflect and grow through them.

In a world that moves fast, your love grows with care. It doesn’t rush, but when it blooms, it’s real and steady.

🌫️ Challenges Demiromantic People Face

Like all romantic orientations, demiromanticism comes with challenges, especially in a society that often celebrates fast romance and “chemistry”:

💬 Not being understood – People might not get why you “don’t catch feelings” easily or assume you’re being cold or indecisive.

⏳ Pressure to move faster – You may feel pushed to “define” things before you’re ready, or to act on feelings that haven’t formed yet.

💔 Uncertainty in early relationships – It’s hard to know whether you will develop romantic feelings later… which can lead to confusion or hesitation in dating.

🧩 Difficulty labeling emotions – You may question: “Is this romantic? Or just deep friendship?” and feel unsure where the line is.

🕊️ Loneliness – It can feel like you’re watching the world pair off while you’re still waiting for something to click inside you.

But none of these struggles mean you’re broken. They just show that your love grows differently and that’s something to honor.

🕊️ "Isn't This Just Something New People Made Up?"

Sometimes when people hear the word demiromantic, they respond with doubt.

They might say, “That’s just a new label,” or “People didn’t have all these identities in the past, so why now?”

But the truth is: just because something is newly named doesn’t mean it’s newly real.

Demiromanticism has likely always existed, it just didn’t have a name before. Many people throughout history probably felt the same way, quietly wondering why they couldn’t fall in love easily like others, or why romance didn’t appear unless they already knew someone deeply.

Words like demiromantic or demisexual help us describe patterns of experience that are valid, even if they’re rare or less talked about. They don’t mean you’re confused or seeking attention, they mean you’ve found a way to understand yourself better.

Giving something a name doesn’t make it less true. It just helps people feel less alone.

🌸 In Japanese and East Asian traditions:

Historically, many courtship practices emphasized building emotional trust and mutual respect before romantic or physical intimacy occurred. In Heian-era Japan (794–1185), romantic relationships often unfolded through poetry exchanges, long letters, and emotional bonding over time. Some lovers never even saw each other in person for a long time, they first knew each other through feelings and words. That emotional foundation was often seen as more important than appearance.

📚 In literature:

In classic stories like Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy in Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen), the romance doesn't begin with instant attraction, it evolves only after trust, understanding, and emotional transformation. Their love story reflects how romantic feelings can grow slowly from connection, not from appearance or immediate chemistry.

Other examples include characters in Russian literature, like Turgenev’s quiet and emotionally conflicted protagonists, or in classical Indian poetry, where love is described as something that awakens after “the heart has listened.”

The word demiromantic is recent, but the experience of only feeling romantic attraction after emotional closeness has likely been part of human relationships throughout time. It's just that older cultures didn’t have the same language—or freedom—to name and discuss every variation of love.

🌼 Are All Demiromantic People Also Demisexual?

The short answer is: no, not necessarily.

Demiromanticism and demisexuality are two separate orientations, even though they sound similar and are often related.

💕Demiromantic means:

You only feel romantic attraction toward someone after forming a deep emotional bond. That includes wanting a romantic relationship—things like dating, cuddling, saying “I love you,” sharing life together—but it’s not about physical or sexual desire.

👩🏻‍❤️‍💋‍👩🏼 Demisexual means:

You only feel sexual attraction after a deep emotional connection. That includes physical desire or wanting intimacy in a sexual sense but it doesn’t automatically include romantic feelings like love or wanting to be a couple.

💡 So, someone can be:

👩🏻‍❤️‍💋‍👩🏼 Demiromantic but not demisexual:

They may need emotional closeness to fall in love, but can still feel sexual attraction more easily or independently of romantic feelings.

👩🏻‍❤️‍💋‍👩🏼 Demisexual but not demiromantic:

They might feel physically attracted only after a strong bond, but not necessarily fall in love or want romantic closeness.

👩🏻‍❤️‍💋‍👩🏼 Both demiromantic and demisexual:

This is common, but not a rule. Some people experience both types of attraction only after emotional bonding and for them, love and desire often feel deeply intertwined.

Neither:

Many people experience romantic or sexual attraction more freely, or not at all. That’s equally valid.

💗 My Personal Experience as a Demiromantic (and Demisexual) Girl

For me, romantic and sexual feelings don’t appear unless I’ve formed a strong emotional bond with someone but I want to explain what that really means.

A strong friendship is often the starting point, and sometimes even the heart of it. I need to know the person deeply to feel safe, emotionally close, and connected to who they are beyond the surface. We don’t need to be romantic yet; in fact, most of the time, that feeling grows out of the friendship itself.

That bond might look like sharing vulnerable thoughts, spending time together in a genuine way, being emotionally open, or simply understanding each other in silence. When that closeness is there, it creates space for deeper feelings to take root. It’s not just about liking someone, it’s about feeling them in your inner world, like they’re a part of your emotional landscape.

Sometimes, though, that connection is one-sided. I might feel deeply close to someone even if they don’t feel the same toward me. I can form a strong emotional attachment without the relationship being mutual. And even though it’s not reciprocated, the feelings I experience are still very real to me. I might feel romantic or physical closeness growing from that bond, even if the other person only sees me as a friend. It can be tender, but also painful.

I’ve often felt different from others because of this. While many people fall in love quickly or feel attraction at first glance, I need more time. My heart doesn’t rush, it waits for a connection that feels safe and sincere. And once it’s there, my feelings come naturally, like a quiet unfolding.

It’s not something I choose, and it’s not because of past trauma, shyness, or fear, it’s just the way I’m made. I move slowly, but honestly. And for me, that feels true.

🚫 What Demiromanticism Is Not

Demiromanticism is often misunderstood especially because it doesn’t follow the romantic patterns most people are familiar with. So let’s gently clear up some common confusions:

🌸 It’s not the same as “waiting for the right one.”

Demiromantic people don’t choose to wait for love, they only feel romantic attraction after building a deep emotional bond. It’s not a delay or a cautious mindset, it’s the way their heart naturally works.

🌸 It’s not about fear, shyness, or trauma.

Some people assume that demiromantic individuals avoid love because they’ve been hurt or are afraid. While some might have had difficult pasts (like anyone), demiromanticism is not caused by trauma. It’s an orientation, something that just is.

🌸 It’s not being “picky” or having high standards.

Demiromantic people aren’t just rejecting people because they “don’t meet a list.” It’s not about checking boxes. If there’s no emotional connection, romantic attraction simply doesn’t happen even if the person is kind, attractive, or “ideal” on paper.

🌸 It’s not the same as celibacy or religious restraint.

Demiromanticism isn’t about avoiding love or romance due to beliefs or rules. It’s not a lifestyle choice, it’s the way romantic attraction functions. You don’t decide to be demiromantic. You just slowly come to recognize that this is your natural pattern.

🌸 It’s not the same as just “taking things slow.”

Taking your time in relationships is something anyone can do but demiromantic people literally do not feel romantic attraction without emotional closeness. It’s not about choosing a slower pace. It’s about needing emotional connection as a foundation before feelings of love appear.

🌿 Conclusion

Demiromanticism isn’t about being cold, slow, or unsure. It’s not a phase or a choice. It’s a romantic orientation, one where love grows from emotional closeness, not from instant chemistry. And while that way of loving might be quieter or slower, it’s no less real. In fact, it’s often deep, sincere, and intentional.

Some people may think this is a “new” thing, but it’s not. The feeling has always existed, many of us just didn’t have the words for it. Naming it doesn’t make it less valid. It makes it easier to understand ourselves and each other.

If you’ve ever felt out of place in dating culture, or like love just doesn’t come the way it seems to for others, you’re not broken. You’re not “late.” You’re just moving at your own rhythm. And there’s beauty in that.

Your way of loving is real, meaningful, and enough. 🕊️

---

💌 Advice for Someone Interested in a Demiromantic Person

If you’re interested in someone who is demiromantic—like me—here are a few things to keep in mind. We may love differently, but that doesn’t mean we love less. It just means we need connection first.

1. Don’t rush it.

Romantic feelings may take time to develop. If you push for answers or try to label the relationship too early, it might create pressure or confusion. Let things unfold at their natural pace.

2. Be willing to build a genuine emotional bond.

For us, friendship isn’t a “step before dating”, it’s often part of love itself. Spend time talking, being present, and showing your real self. That’s what allows attraction to grow.

3. Respect emotional boundaries.

If a demiromantic person says they’re not feeling romantic attraction yet, believe them. It’s not rejection, it’s honesty. It doesn’t mean there’s no potential, just that they need time.

4. Avoid love-bombing or trying to "win" them.

Connection can’t be forced. We don’t fall in love because someone is sweet, attractive, or gives a lot. We fall in love when we feel deeply understood and emotionally close.

5. Be patient and sincere.

If you're genuinely interested, stay consistent and kind. You might not get fireworks right away, but what grows over time can be incredibly meaningful and lasting.