Don’t Feel It Until I Feel You: A Demisexual Perspective 🌸

Hello deer, this is Seri 🌸

I’m demisexual. That means I only feel that kind of closeness, the kind most people call “sexual attraction” when there’s already a strong emotional bond. It’s not about being shy or afraid. And it’s not a choice or a phase. It’s just how I’m wired.

In this post, I want to share what it means to live as a demisexual person: how it feels, what challenges come with it, what makes it special, and why it’s real, even if some people don’t understand it yet.

This is my perspective. A small voice in the bigger conversation.

🌸 “Slow Attraction, Deep Connection: What Does It Mean to Be Demisexual? 🌸

1. What is Demisexuality?

Demisexuality is a form of sexual orientation, not a phase or a personality trait. It describes people who do not experience sexual attraction unless there is first a strong, trusted emotional bond with another person.

This doesn’t mean demisexual people are cold or closed off—far from it. Many are affectionate, romantic, or even very touch-oriented. But the kind of desire often called “lust” or “sexual attraction” just doesn’t appear unless they feel emotionally safe, seen, and connected on a deeper level.

For example,

.... a demisexual person might meet someone physically attractive and even admire their beauty or kindness, but they won’t feel any sexual urge or craving for that person, not until real closeness has formed. That closeness doesn’t come quickly; it takes time, trust, and often vulnerability.

✨ This emotional bond is the key.

It’s like a switch that only turns on when the heart is fully engaged. Until then, there’s no interest in sex, even if others around them are feeling it quickly. So where others may be drawn by appearances, voice, or body, demisexual people are drawn by emotional resonance, the feeling of being understood, held emotionally, and safe to be one's whole self.

This orientation exists on the asexuality spectrum. If you imagine a line, with:

Asexuality (little or no sexual attraction ever),

and Allosexuality (people who do feel sexual attraction spontaneously or often),

Then demisexuality sits somewhere in the middle.

It's not “less” sexual : it's differently sexual.

It’s conditional on the depth of the relationship, not the presence of a body or chemistry.

Some demisexuals may feel strong romantic attraction, others may not. Some enjoy sensual or affectionate touch, others are more reserved. There’s no one way to “be” demisexual except for this one constant: sexual desire does not arrive without emotional closeness.

🌙 Imagine it like this:

While others may feel sparks when their eyes meet someone across a room, a demisexual might feel nothing at all in that moment but weeks, months, or even years later, when their souls have curled up beside one another in mutual trust... that’s when the first ember of desire glows.

2. Since When Has Demisexuality Existed? And Why?

Demisexuality, as a word and concept, became known more publicly in the early 2000s, especially through the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN). It was created as a way to describe something many people had always felt but had no name for.

But while the term is new, the experience of demisexuality is not. Throughout history, many people have likely lived as demisexual without realizing it maybe thinking they were "late bloomers," "weird," or just “not like others.” In fact, before hypersexual cultures took hold, many societies valued slow, emotional bonding over instant physical attraction. Some people likely lived in harmony with their demisexuality, while others may have felt confused or alienated.

The term gave people language for something real, helping them understand: “Oh… this is not wrong. This is just me.”

In some Western societies, where dating culture often emphasizes instant chemistry, physical beauty, and fast intimacy, being demisexual can feel out of sync. You might be seen as “cold,” “too serious,” or “prudish” just because your body doesn’t feel desire before emotional trust exists.

But in other cultures—especially traditional, spiritual, or communal ones—emotional bonding and relationship depth are often emphasized before physical closeness. In these settings, demisexuality may be more accepted, even if it’s not labeled.

For example:

In some Japanese, Korean, or Middle Eastern cultures, where social restraint or emotional loyalty is valued, a demisexual person may naturally align with romantic norms.

(Note :Just because those values exist, doesn’t mean they are widely followed in real life. even in these societies, a demisexual person might still feel deeply misunderstood or pressured.

They might be praised for “purity” or “modesty,” but not truly seen or respected for their inner orientation.)

In contrast, in modern dating apps or hookup culture, the pressure to feel attraction quickly can be painful for a demisexual person.

Demisexuality isn’t caused by culture but how it’s understood and accepted is often shaped by it.

Why Does Demisexuality Exist? The Roots : Psychological? Biological? Spiritual?

There is no single “cause” of demisexuality. Like other orientations, it seems to be a natural part of human diversity. But researchers and therapists have offered some possible influences:

🧠 Psychological: Some demisexual people have heightened emotional sensitivity or a deeper need for trust before vulnerability feels safe. This may be shaped by temperament or by life experience such as attachment style, or simply growing up in environments where emotional safety mattered more than surface attraction.

🧬 Biological: There’s no definitive biological explanation yet but sexuality is complex. Hormonal, neurological, or genetic factors may play a role. For example, differences in oxytocin or dopamine responses (which affect bonding and desire) might influence how and when attraction appears. But no test or scan can determine if someone is demisexual, it’s a lived, inner truth.

🌙 Spiritual or Emotional Sensitivity: Many demisexual people describe their way of loving as sacred or soul-based. For them, the body follows the heart, not the other way around. It’s not repression, it’s reverence. They feel desire only when something much deeper has blossomed.

Ultimately, demisexuality exists because human beings are diverse in how they love and connect. Just like some people fall in love at first sight, others fall in love through long, slow-burning trust. There is no superior or inferior way, just different paths to intimacy.

Demisexuality Is Not the Same as Celibacy or Religious Modesty 🌸

It’s important to understand that demisexuality is not a choice, it’s not the same as practicing celibacy, abstinence, or following cultural or religious rules around sexuality.

A celibate person chooses to avoid sexual activity for personal, spiritual, or religious reasons even if they do feel sexual attraction. Their desire may still be there, but they intentionally decide not to act on it.

A demisexual person, on the other hand, simply does not feel sexual attraction at all unless they’ve formed a deep emotional connection. It’s not a vow, not a rule, not something done out of fear or duty, it’s just how their feelings work naturally. Even if they wanted to feel desire for someone they just met, their body and heart won’t respond that way.

Also, demisexual people can be:

🛐Religious or not

🔐Sexually active or not

🫶🏻Romantic or aromantic

And they can come from any culture, age, or gender.

It’s a sexual orientation, not a lifestyle or belief system.

🌸 Is demisexuality a choice?

No, demisexuality is not a choice.

Just like being straight, gay, bi, or asexual, it’s not something someone decides to be. It’s simply the way their heart and body naturally experience attraction.

🌸 It’s not a rule you follow, like “I want to wait.”

🌸 It’s not a moral decision, like celibacy or abstinence.

🌸 It’s not caused by trauma or religion, even if those things can shape how someone feels about intimacy.

In some traditional cultures, where waiting until marriage or suppressing desire is expected, demisexual people might accidentally feel like they "fit in"—but for very different reasons. Their inner experience isn’t about shame or control, it’s about authenticity. They don’t repress desire; they simply don’t feel it until their heart has bloomed toward someone.

🌿 That’s why it’s so important to name and understand demisexuality, not to put people in boxes, but to free them from confusion and guilt. You're not broken. You're not "late." You're just loving in your own sacred rhythm.

How many demisexual people are there, if we exclude those practicing celibacy or following religious rules?

🌸 The truth is: we don’t know for sure yet. Demisexuality is still under-researched and often misunderstood, especially because:

1. Many people don’t know the word “demisexual” exists, so they may not identify as it even if it fits their experience.

2. Demisexuality is internal, not visible so people might assume they’re just "slow to warm up" or "not very sexual," rather than recognizing it as an orientation.

3. Surveys often mix behavior with identity, so they might count people who choose abstinence (for moral or religious reasons) alongside those who are demisexual by orientation.

💡 Still, some early studies and estimates help us get a soft idea:

The Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) suggested that demisexual people might make up around 1% to 4% of the general population, but it's hard to give a precise number.

What Is It Like to Be Demisexual in Daily Life? 🌸

Being demisexual often feels like living with a different rhythm : not wrong, just quieter. Like moving through a world where everyone is sprinting toward sparks, and you’re patiently waiting for a slow-burning flame that feels real.

You might not understand why others have instant crushes on people they’ve just met. While they get butterflies from someone’s looks or charisma, you might feel… nothing. Or curiosity, maybe admiration but not desire. For you, attraction is never automatic, it only begins to stir once you've felt someone’s soul breathe beside yours.

🧺 In everyday life, this might show up as:

Feeling confused or left out when friends talk about how “hot” someone is.

Needing more time in dating while others want chemistry fast, you want emotional connection first.

Being misread as "cold," "too picky," or "uninterested" when in truth, your heart is just more private and cautious.

Finding online dating difficult, because it's so focused on looks and quick impressions.

Struggling to explain why you just don’t “feel it,” even with someone who is kind or conventionally attractive.

You might even doubt yourself sometimes: “Why don’t I want what others want?”

“Is something wrong with me?”

But nothing is wrong. You’re just listening to a quieter kind of signal : one that doesn't shout, but whispers only when it truly feels safe.

🌙 In romantic or sexual situations, this can be a challenge.

The world often expects quick passion, fast flirting, even instant physical closeness. But for you, that can feel overwhelming or unnatural like being asked to dance before the music has even begun. You may need to explain yourself often, which can be tiring or, sometimes, a soft boundary that protects your peace.

💗 Yet there is a quiet beauty in being demisexual, too.

You love with intentionality. You don’t pretend. When you feel something, it’s because something real has grown inside you. Your intimacy isn’t rushed; it’s deep. And once the bond is there—really there—you can feel desire in ways that are profound, sacred, and full of trust.

Friendships and Emotional Bonds🌸 :

For many demisexual people, emotional connection doesn’t only matter in romance, it’s also central in how they form close friendships. Before feeling any kind of romantic or sexual attraction, they often need to first feel safe with a person emotionally understood, respected, and valued.

In daily life, that means attraction might grow out of a friendship that deepens over time, rather than starting with physical interest. For example, someone who seemed “just a friend” at first might become more significant once there’s mutual trust, shared vulnerability, or emotional closeness. But it doesn’t always turn romantic and that’s okay too.

This experience can make casual dating or flirtation feel unnatural. Some demisexual people don’t enjoy situations where intimacy is expected early, like in hookup culture or fast-paced dating apps. Instead, they tend to feel more comfortable getting to know someone slowly, often through shared conversations, mutual care, or spending time together in more relaxed ways.

It’s not about being overly serious or reserved, it’s just that emotional depth comes first, and attraction may or may not follow.

How Is Demisexuality Different From Other Sexualities?🌸

The main difference lies in the pathway to attraction when and how it happens.

🩷 Allosexual People

This is a term used for people who do experience sexual attraction in a more immediate or spontaneous way. That includes heterosexual, bisexual, pansexual, gay, lesbian, and others who are not on the asexual spectrum.

For many allosexual people, attraction often comes first, they may notice someone’s appearance, energy, or vibe and feel drawn to them right away.

Emotional connection might come later, after the spark.

Think: love at first sight, flirty tension, crushes from across the room.

🤍 Asexual People

Asexuality is when someone experiences little to no sexual attraction, regardless of emotional connection.

Some asexual people never feel sexual attraction at all.

Others (called gray-asexual or gray-ace) might feel it very rarely or under specific circumstances.

Some enjoy emotional intimacy or romance, but without a desire for sex.

🩶 Demisexual People

Demisexuality falls between asexuality and allosexuality. A demisexual person only experiences sexual attraction after forming a strong emotional connection.

They don’t feel physical desire toward strangers or people they’ve just met.

Attraction comes gradually, and only when trust, emotional safety, or deep connection is present.

Before that connection, even someone very attractive may not spark desire at all.

💬 So the key difference is not how much someone likes another person, but how their body and mind respond. It’s a difference in the internal wiring of attraction, not about morals or standards.

🌉 Here’s a metaphor to explain it softly:

Imagine a river.

Allosexual people may just jump in and swim : they feel something quickly and follow it.

Asexual people may sit by the water without feeling any need to cross.

Demisexual people need time to build a bridge across. Once the bridge is there—a stable, trusting bond—they may feel attraction and choose to cross.

Without that bridge, it’s not about hesitation, it’s about absence. There’s simply no current of desire without emotional connection.

🌿 Demisexuality vs. Libido — What’s the Difference?

Demisexuality is about when and how sexual attraction occurs.

It means you usually don’t feel sexual desire toward a person unless there is emotional closeness and trust.

Libido (or sex drive) is about how often your body or mind desires sexual stimulation, regardless of who it’s directed at.

It can be influenced by many things: hormones, mood, health, stress, trauma, emotional state, or life phase.

💬 So:

A demisexual person might have:

High libido, but not feel attracted to anyone unless they have a deep bond. They may experience desire in private (e.g. through fantasies or self-touch) but not in response to people around them.

Average libido, meaning they may feel sexual energy sometimes, but only directed at someone they emotionally connect with.

Low libido, either naturally or due to life circumstances and this may overlap with how their demisexuality expresses itself.

🧺 A real-life example:

Let’s say two demisexual people both need emotional closeness to feel attracted.

One might feel sexual energy very strongly once that bond forms—passionate, eager, warm.

Another might enjoy closeness and love but rarely feel a strong drive for sexual activity.

Both are equally valid.

Libido is individual. Demisexuality is a framework for how sexual attraction works not how much it’s felt.

Are demisexuals more loyal? 🌸

There isn’t a direct or guaranteed link between being demisexual and being more loyal in relationships. Loyalty depends on many things like personality, values, experiences, and communication—not just sexual orientation.

That said, some gentle reasons why demisexual people might be perceived as more loyal are:

✔️Since demisexual people usually form deep emotional bonds before feeling attraction, their relationships often start with strong trust and connection.

Because their attraction isn’t based on surface-level things or quick sparks, they may be less likely to seek other partners impulsively.

✔️They often prefer slow-building, meaningful relationships, which can create a strong foundation for loyalty.

But it’s important to remember:

✔️Loyalty is a personal quality, not something guaranteed by any sexuality.

✔️There are loyal and unloyal people in every orientation.

✔️Someone else’s loyalty or commitment depends more on their character, circumstances, and choices than on whether they’re demisexual or not.

So, no, being demisexual doesn’t automatically mean someone is more loyal but their way of forming relationships might support deeper, longer-lasting bonds for many.

🌿 What Are the Benefits of Being Demisexual?

Being demisexual can feel like a quiet strength sometimes a challenge, but often a hidden gift.

🌿 Deeper, More Meaningful Connections

Because attraction grows from emotional bonds, demisexual people often develop relationships with a strong foundation of trust, honesty, and understanding. These connections aren’t rushed or surface-level, they tend to be rich in emotional depth, which can make the relationship more resilient and genuine.

🌿 Avoiding Shallow or Unsatisfying Relationships

In a culture that often prioritizes quick physical attraction or casual hookups, demisexuality can act like a filter. It helps you avoid relationships that don’t feel emotionally safe or meaningful, sparing you from heartbreak or confusion caused by mismatched expectations.

🌿 Valuing People for Who They Truly Are

Instead of first noticing appearances or external qualities, demisexual people often learn to appreciate others’ inner worlds—their thoughts, feelings, and values. This can lead to a richer understanding of people and more authentic connections.

🌿 Slower Growth into Love Brings Stability

Love that develops slowly and with care can bring a sense of safety and commitment that feels solid and lasting. Because emotional closeness comes before attraction, relationships might avoid some of the “honeymoon phase” turbulence and instead build steady, ongoing trust.

🌿 Self-Knowledge and Boundaries

Living as a demisexual can encourage greater self-awareness. You learn to recognize what you truly want and need in relationships, and to set boundaries that protect your emotional wellbeing.

🌿 Authenticity Over Pressure

Demisexuality means you don’t have to feel pressured to experience attraction “on demand” or in socially expected ways. This can be freeing, allowing you to build connections at your own pace without feeling “behind” or “different” in a negative way.learn to value people for their soul first.

🌿 You’re more likely to grow slowly into love, which can bring a lasting sense of safety and devotion.

🌫️ The Challenges of Being Demisexual

While demisexuality has its quiet strengths, it can also bring some difficulties especially in a world that often moves fast when it comes to love and attraction.

🌫️ Feeling Different or Misunderstood

Because demisexuality isn’t widely known or talked about, many demisexual people feel isolated or unsure about their experience. Others might mistake their lack of immediate attraction for disinterest, coldness, or “being picky,” which can be hurtful or frustrating.

🌫️ Pressure to Conform to Social Norms

Dating cultures often emphasize quick chemistry, physical attraction, and instant sparks. This can feel overwhelming or discouraging when you don’t experience attraction that way. You might feel pressure to “fake it” or force attraction, which isn’t healthy or authentic.

🌫️ Difficulty in Casual Dating or Hookup Culture

Because demisexual people usually need emotional closeness first, casual dating, hookups, or fast-moving romantic encounters can feel uncomfortable, empty, or unsatisfying.

🌫️ Miscommunication in Relationships

Partners who don’t understand demisexuality might misinterpret the pace or nature of attraction. This can lead to misunderstandings, feelings of rejection, or frustration on both sides unless there’s open, honest communication.

🌫️ Longer Time to Build Relationships

Because attraction depends on trust and emotional bonding, relationships may develop more slowly. This can be hard if you feel lonely or if you want connection but haven’t yet found the right person to build that bond with.

🌫️ Navigating Identity and Labels

It can take time to understand and accept demisexuality within yourself especially with so little mainstream awareness. Sometimes, people feel unsure about how to explain it or worry about being “different.”

Being demisexual means living with a unique rhythm that doesn’t always match the world around you. But with patience and self-compassion, it’s possible to find relationships that honor your pace and your heart.

💖 My Experience as a Demisexual

For me, being demisexual means a few things:

🌸1. I’m not interested in hookup culture not because of religion or rules, but simply because I don’t feel sexual attraction to men just based on physical appearance. Attraction doesn’t come from looks alone.

🌸2. Before entering a relationship, I need to build a strong friendship. This friendship must be emotionally deep and genuine, a real bond that grows over time before any sexual attraction appears.

🌸3. I can form emotional connections with many people whether they are friends, acquaintances, or even strangers but these connections don’t happen instantly or casually. It takes time for me to truly sense a deeper feeling growing inside, a kind of quiet understanding or care that goes beyond surface interactions. Sometimes, this connection is one-sided, meaning I might develop a strong emotional bond or sense of closeness toward someone who doesn’t feel the same way toward me. That doesn’t make the feeling any less real or meaningful for me, it simply means that my experience of connection can exist even without mutual recognition. This one-sided bond quietly shapes how I relate to others and when a closer attraction might eventually appear.

🌸4. My libido isn’t affected by being demisexual. I have feelings of intimacy, but they are directed only after emotional closeness is there. This also helps me feel comfortable being single without pressure.

🌸5. I do still feel physical attraction, and I identify as straight. Being demisexual doesn’t change that—it just affects how and when attraction actually develops. I can find someone good-looking or physically appealing, but that doesn’t mean I feel anything deeper right away. For me, that kind of closeness only happens when there’s a strong emotional connection. Without that, physical attraction stays on the surface and doesn’t turn into anything more.

⚠️ I want to be clear that being demisexual isn’t a moral quality or a virtue.

It’s not something I chose, and it’s not because of religion or discipline. I don’t feel attraction unless there’s emotional closeness — not because I’m “pure,” but because that’s simply how I function.

I don’t want to be rewarded or idealized for being “different” or for not following hookup culture. That’s not the point.

Demisexuality is not about being modest or conservative. It’s not a symbol of being a “good girl.” It’s just part of how my emotional and physical connection works.

Please don’t treat my orientation as a prize, or something that makes me more valuable in a traditional or religious sense. I want to be seen as a whole person, not turned into someone else’s fantasy or moral symbol.

🌿 Final Thoughts

Being demisexual isn’t a limitation, it’s simply a different way of experiencing connection. It doesn’t mean I’m broken or that something is missing. It just means that closeness, for me, begins in the heart and grows slowly from there. In a world that often moves fast, being demisexual teaches patience, depth, and emotional honesty.

Some people think it’s something “new” or “made up” because the word hasn’t been around for very long. But demisexuality isn’t something that was invented, it’s something that’s always existed. The only difference now is that we finally have the words to name it, understand it, and share it.

If you’ve ever felt “out of sync” with modern dating, or if you’ve wondered why attraction feels different for you—you’re not alone. There are many ways to be human, and this is just one of them.

Understanding yourself is not about fitting into labels, but about giving yourself permission to move at your own rhythm. And for me, that rhythm is slow, steady, and real.